Don't tell me what I want to hear...

A new week a new set of opportunities to finally achieve that degree of happiness within your relationship. I asked many of my friends for ideas on what to write. I have to tell you that the male "species" does not cease to amaze me. The responses were incredibly thoughtful. Who said that guys don't care about romance? Here are the guys' suggestions:

Freddy says: "I smile whenever I see an old couple holding hands... possible topic."

Max says: "...how to find out about skeletons in the closet when dating someone."

Damon says: "The difference between how men and women view sex and love."

Darius wants to know "What is true love?"

Dan wants to know why divorce rates are so high and why "True marriage" is so evasive, despite the fact that a happy marriage brings about many benefits, such as a longer life.

Darius would like for me to write about the benefits of role playing (I assume in the bedroom)... (a whole new blog lol)

What is even more interesting is that I got "Zero" feedback from my girls, which puzzles me to no end, especially because I hear them complain frequently about men...

Well, here it is:

As a woman who studies human behavior to no end, I will give you some of my observations about this interesting dynamic that we call "relationships." I am aware that there are exceptions to every rule and that I may form new "enemies" because I speak the truth... despite all this, here I go:

When men and women begin the "courtship dance," we meet "the Representative." It is obvious that we are not going to show all of our flaws at the beginning of the "encounter." We have a purpose and this purpose is to "romance" the other to oblivion, haa haa... We want to make sure that the person of our interest feels that they have gotten a "good catch." This is normal, and it holds true in any type of relationship, work, friendship, etc.

There is a period, which I choose to call the "Honeymoon stage." During this time, we tend to hold back many emotions that deviate from the "happy go lucky feeling." We show our best face forth and continue to do so until some time goes on. Then, the true colors start seeping through and we begin to see what the other person is really about. The tricky part about this dynamic is that during the honeymoon stage, we create some sort of dependency on that new person. Our emotions are tied into theirs, and we have new habits, which involve our new "love." So even though we start to see some flaws and some "red flags", we ignore them at first because the infatuation is of primal importance... And then, trouble in paradise:

As girls, we begin to notice some not-so good habits in our man... We decide that we MUST change him at all cost!! When we begin to see these "issues" that "need to change" we simply make mental notes but fail to voice our concerns at first, because we are still in that infamous "honeymoon stage" and we want to make sure that we don't "scare him away." But what you guys do not realize is that there is trouble brewing in paradise. Girls will, however, talk to their girlfriends about your issues in the attempt to obtain "emotional support." This does not help matters, because our girlfriends will "pump us up" and help us (or not) to build up enough courage to start the "attack." lol... There will come a time when we will simply have to begin the "transformation" of your "imperfect man." oh oh...This is when we will start voicing our concerns to you (this is what you will recognize as nagging). Suddenly that sweet, dedicated girl that you once knew, will begin transforming into something that, in your mind, impedes you from being you. Her "nails are out" and their purpose is to change you... Have you ever found yourself saying, "I am just being myself?" Ha ha, I bet you have!

On the other hand, as men, you are getting some sex on a regular basis. You are finding carnal satisfaction during this honeymoon stage, and you begin thinking that this could definitely be "the one..." NO SOOO QUICKLY AMIGOS... because the male species is so driven by the "second brain," lol, that you overlook many potentially damaging issues. Max, this is the answer to your question," how does one identify skeletons in the closet?". The skeletons are out there for you to see, the problem is that you are not stopping to look at the red flags that are beginning to surface because you are too busy trying to "get sum"... Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I think that you guys should take a little more time forming an opinion about your new romance in an objective matter. I believe that you should reserve some emotional space to yourselves so that you can walk away without as much pain in case you have to, or be able to communicate your concerns openly and effectively.

OK, now that we learned about the Honeymoon stage, we should talk about the next concepts: STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME AND DO NOT TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO HEAR...

I believe that in order for us to get this right, there has to be some degree of responsibility from both men and women. The first thing is that we MUST agree that we are different. Yes, it has taken me some years to finally accept that men will behave as men and women will behave as women. For thousands of years this has been the case, and it would be ridiculous for us to think that we have the power to change that. I will focus first on the girlies, because I think that we need to evolve a bit more when approaching men:

Girls, your man will be a testosterone-filled person who needs to talk shit among his friends, show that he is a "man's man" and show off his "power" to both men and women alike. This is part of the species. Just as he did when you first met him.... which probably was why you liked him so much. ACCEPT that, and let him be himself. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM. Instead, you can understand him and become his friend so that he feels comfortable being who he is around you. What will this mean? That he will probably choose to be more honest and open with you about his life outside of you. Guys really would love to have not just a lover in you but also a friend. He will not just tell you what you want to hear, but actually tell you the truth about his day because he knows that you have faith in him as a man. A man needs to feel admiration from his girl... much of his self worth comes from that!! GIRLS PLEASE TAKE NOTE!!!

Guys, I got your back, however, you also have to understand that if you are in a committed relationship, there are some things that you must give up for your girl and your happiness in any relationship. Yes, you can be the dude that other dudes look up to because of your track record with girls, and your power in other areas, such as work. However, the flirting with the opposite sex can get you into some problems. You may have found reassurance from women by flirting and attention-seeking behavior. You may have formed a lot of your self-worth by how many women checked you out or gave you attention in the past. Now that you are in a relationship, it is your responsibility to find reassurance from other aspects of your life. Perhaps from your new girl, a new hobby, from your performance, from how amazing of a partner you can be, that is all up to you. This is the time when you should explore what makes you happy and form new ideals. This is only if you choose to have a long lasting, functional relationship.

SO NOW YOU SEE WHY I SAY THAT IT REQUIRES RESPONSIBILITY FROM BOTH MEN AND WOMEN? No one said that it would be easy to have a happy relationship... and then again, how many happy, truly happy couples do you know??!?!!!! I can count with only the fingers of one hand how many happy couples I know. I feel that we should set boundaries and parameters between us with the understanding that we are different. For instance, us girls should agree to listen without the neurosis of wanting to change our man, and men you should agree that you will continue to be a man's man but without disrespecting your girl. At some point you might want to talk about what the other one considers disrespect and agree to honor their request.

Dan, this is when your theory of a longer existence comes in: IF you are one of the lucky ones that can find and maintain a happy, HONEST relationship, then expect to thrive as a person in every aspect of your life. You can enjoy plenty of sex with your significant other, you can enjoy the envy (oops lol I mean the admiration) of others because of how great you get along with your partner. This in turn, can only mean a happier, healthier life that will endure for many years.

DO NOT THINK THAT IT IS EASY. We are different species.. Think about it as a bunny and a cat deciding to get married lol... yeah, I believe that we are that different. A bunny loves to hop around and a kitty loves to nap. If that was ever to work out, there will have to be a lot of discussion about what each of them want because they are both setting expectations based on their existence of a rabbit and a cat. CAN IT WORK? SURE! It can, but not without daily communication and outlining of expectations.

LETS' GO TRY THIS OUT!! I have complete faith in you!!!

Till next time!!

Stella