Throughout my experience as a Mental Health therapist I have seen many people who have endured pain and suffering, and not of the physical kind, but of the deeper and more confounding emotional kind. Many of my clients were women who found themselves in abusive relationships of varying degrees. I will always remember one of my first clients, "Ramona." I met her at a homeless shelter when I was 19 and she was turning 30 that year. Beautiful woman, with deep blue eyes and a vibrant white smile. I have to be honest, though, Ramona looked 10 years older than her chronological age, and once I started meeting her for bi-weekly visits at the shelter I understood why. Ramona had 2 beautiful little girls, whom she brought to the shelter. They were all running from an abusive man, Ramona's husband, and the father of the girls. My job was to help her get back on her feet and assist her in finding a new home and place of employment.
At 19, it seemed to be a pretty important job, and truthfully, I wasn't sure if I could handle it at that point. As time went on, it became clear that I was witnessing an amazing transformation in Ramona. For 2 weeks, we met in the waiting room at the homeless shelter with very little privacy, so the progress was slow. But then we found Ramona and her girls a cute 2 bedroom apt. We started therapy in her living room and Ramona began to open up. She spoke of many failed relationships and the pressures of turning 30. She felt disheartened because she expected to be more successful at 30. Ramona began setting goals for herself and her main one was to write a book about her life. And what a life... After about 1 month of therapy, there was a breakthrough: Ramona begin remembering things of her childhood that were deep in her subconscious... Ramona had been raped by her father for many many painful years. I will never forget the day that these memories came flooding out of her being. Ramona began crying hysterically, fell to her knees, assumed a fetal position and began to rock back and forth. She started yelling "STOP!!" and was absolutely Unaware of my presence. I immediately got on my knees and held her, reassuring her that she was safe and loved. At 19 and with just one year of college, I knew that I was not "Book ready" for this breakthrough, however, Ramona felt safe and understood that I was there to be a mere instrument for her healing. After several minutes, I coached her back to the present moment. To both of us, this was a life-changing event. To Ramona, she finally understood the origins of her maladaptive behavior, specifically within her romantic relationships. To me, I understood that being a Therapist was my calling. We continued therapy for three more months, during which Ramona obtained employment, got her little girls into school, and began writing her book. Then we parted ways...
Why such heavy material for my blog today? Well my dear readers, Ramona is just an example of how we carry burdens from our childhood into today. We find ourselves getting into romantic relationships which either end up going no-where, or we are absolutely unhappy. We try and try to "fix" it but to no avail. We date the same people but with a different name and face and endure lots of frustration. When we are alone, we sense that there is "something" missing... but WHAT IS IT??!!! Honestly, most of us will not decide to go through therapy to find out what we are missing, so here are some helpful notions to help you break away from the behavior patterns that keep you hostage:
The first example that we have of what a relationship should look like, is from our parents. We, as children are learning almost by "osmosis" lol. We are present in the home when mom and dad are interacting and we become familiar with the way they behave toward each other. What many people do not realize is that this form of interaction, in a child's mind, is what is "normal." Think back to your childhood... now recognize the positive and the negative memories. Are you perpetuating any of the negative? Any subconscious behavior going on that you did not recognize before?
As children we form what we call "tapes." To give you an illustration: I had a family that came into therapy because their 5 year old little boy, "Connor," was acting out after their parents separated. To give the parents credit, they came to see me together for Connor's sake, despite the fact that they could not stand each other. After I saw Connor alone for 3 sessions, it finally came out: Connor felt that the separation was all his fault! He told me that he remembers the day that his daddy walked out. It was the day that Connor refused to eat his spaghetti. Connor was absolutely convinced that if he had eaten his spaghetti, his mom and dad would still be together. Connor took all of the responsibility in his immature 5 year old little mind. Had we not discovered his understanding of reality this early, he would probably be walking around as an adult bearing the guilt of his parents separation. Fortunately, we were able to rebute his "pseudo reality" and he replaced the old tapes with more accurate new ones.
These tapes are our interpretation of reality. The only problem is that these tapes were formed with the mind of a child. As we grow older into adulthood, most of us worked off old, inaccurate tapes. These are old convictions that stunt our emotional development, which in turn translate into dysfunctional relationships. TIME TO RECOGNIZE AND CHANGE THE OLD TAPES inherited by your childlike mind. You are now able to change what you did not like back then and carry it into your new adult life. Be aware that our subconscious is pretty stubborn. We tend to be comfortable even if we are uncomfortable, just because it is what we know...get it? Good!
I think this is enough material for now. I hope that this was helpful. I felt compelled to be a little more therapeutic today so that we can start making some real changes in our lives. I invite you to look for patterns in your relationships. Patterns in the way that you feel when you are involved with someone. There will come a point when these behaviors will no longer work, especially if you decide to work on being a more balanced, happy human being. What is the most exciting thing of all is that ALL OF THE ANSWERS ARE WITH IN YOU... Only you know what feels right and what doesn't. Go out there and explore your potential and let me know how it goes!!
Til next time!!
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