"Happy Ending massage...the perfect Christmas present!"

I KNOW that you are dying to find out what is up with this week's blog... well, here is the deal:


How many of you work day in and day out, almost to exhaustion and by the time the weekend arrives, there is very little left of you... your body aches, you lack energy and those around you do not quit with their expectations of you. You think to yourself, "goshh how I could go for a massage!!" Those of you who can identify with this, raise your hand!! Haa haa, me too!! Not only do you feel exhausted, but also would like some sexual release... Well today is your lucky day!!!

Ok mis amigos, don't run out and start looking for an unethical massage parlor because you have the solution right before your eyes. How about planning an amazing date with your current "lover." A date that will resonate with the both of you for a lifetime? A date that will allow you to enjoy a degree of intimacy that you never thought possible??!! If you want to be the hero, here is how to do it:

1. Set aside 2 hours from your day off (make sure that your partner is also available).

2. Go to the nearest smoke shop and purchase a small box of incense called MagChampa... this is by far the best smelling and arousing incense that you will find. They are also less than $5.00.

3. Purchase yummy-smelling candles from your neighborhood pharmacy, or discount stores, such as Ross, Marshalls, or similar. Make sure that they are different sizes and fragrances(you don't have to spend more than $20.00 the first time and then they are yours!)

4. Purchase a B-Tribe CD (the earlier ones are the most relaxing and spiritual of all)... around $12.00

5. You will need lubrication for the massage, so an odorless lotion will do... nothing fancy.

6. A clean bed and turned off cellphones and house phones.

7. A bottle of water.

Now you are ready!

This is a gift that will last a lifetime...

Have your significant other loose all responsibilities for the next hour and a half and let him/her know that this time will be dedicated just to them.

Light all of the candles around, pop in the B-Tribe CD, make the room temperature nice and warm (around 78 degrees).Have them lay down unclothed face down. Drape over them a fresh sheet so that they do not get cold...

Place the lotion on your hands and rub them until they feel warm...Start massaging their feet in circular motion (make sure your hands are not cold). DO NOT be afraid to go deep... Work yourself up the legs, then do the hands and arms (we are leaving the torso to the end). After the arms, go to the neck and make sure that you work out the kinks... most of us carry a lot of stress around the neck and shoulder.

Finally work on the back and buttocks... nothing sexual, just a massage. Before you finish ask him/her if there are any areas that you missed or that they would like you to work on more.

Once the massage is complete and your "luvie" is completely relaxed, have them drink some water, and finally, invite them to finish with the "ultimate release" while you watch...yes, you read correctly, while you watch...

RULE #1 (OK, there is only one rule haa haa). This can not be a sexual encounter. You (the massage giver) can not pleasure yourself AT ALL. This is only about your honey and no one else. Save your own desires for the next time you guys have sex...

If you are a guy and are asking the girl finish her relaxation session with a "happy ending" make sure that you reassure her that she deserves this time. Encourage her to feel good about it,and even let her know that she can give you the same massage at another date. Girls may be a bit shy about it, and if they allow themselves to do this, it could be one of the hottest experiences you may have.

If you are a girlie and are reading this, trust me when I tell you that a man would absolutely appreciate you participating in this perfect gift, either by giving the massage or receiving it yourself... don't be shy and TRY IT!!

If you are a guy who would like to get this as a gift, you should copy this whole thing and print it. Place her in a card and let her know that this is one of your fantasies. Trust me when I tell you that after this massage, you will feel brand new and will enjoy RENEWED hope in love and sex!

OK, kiddies, I am sending you off and hope to hear how it all went!! I am challenging YOU to give the ultimate selfless gift... can you handle it?!!!



Till next time!!!!

Don't tell me what I want to hear...

A new week a new set of opportunities to finally achieve that degree of happiness within your relationship. I asked many of my friends for ideas on what to write. I have to tell you that the male "species" does not cease to amaze me. The responses were incredibly thoughtful. Who said that guys don't care about romance? Here are the guys' suggestions:

Freddy says: "I smile whenever I see an old couple holding hands... possible topic."

Max says: "...how to find out about skeletons in the closet when dating someone."

Damon says: "The difference between how men and women view sex and love."

Darius wants to know "What is true love?"

Dan wants to know why divorce rates are so high and why "True marriage" is so evasive, despite the fact that a happy marriage brings about many benefits, such as a longer life.

Darius would like for me to write about the benefits of role playing (I assume in the bedroom)... (a whole new blog lol)

What is even more interesting is that I got "Zero" feedback from my girls, which puzzles me to no end, especially because I hear them complain frequently about men...

Well, here it is:

As a woman who studies human behavior to no end, I will give you some of my observations about this interesting dynamic that we call "relationships." I am aware that there are exceptions to every rule and that I may form new "enemies" because I speak the truth... despite all this, here I go:

When men and women begin the "courtship dance," we meet "the Representative." It is obvious that we are not going to show all of our flaws at the beginning of the "encounter." We have a purpose and this purpose is to "romance" the other to oblivion, haa haa... We want to make sure that the person of our interest feels that they have gotten a "good catch." This is normal, and it holds true in any type of relationship, work, friendship, etc.

There is a period, which I choose to call the "Honeymoon stage." During this time, we tend to hold back many emotions that deviate from the "happy go lucky feeling." We show our best face forth and continue to do so until some time goes on. Then, the true colors start seeping through and we begin to see what the other person is really about. The tricky part about this dynamic is that during the honeymoon stage, we create some sort of dependency on that new person. Our emotions are tied into theirs, and we have new habits, which involve our new "love." So even though we start to see some flaws and some "red flags", we ignore them at first because the infatuation is of primal importance... And then, trouble in paradise:

As girls, we begin to notice some not-so good habits in our man... We decide that we MUST change him at all cost!! When we begin to see these "issues" that "need to change" we simply make mental notes but fail to voice our concerns at first, because we are still in that infamous "honeymoon stage" and we want to make sure that we don't "scare him away." But what you guys do not realize is that there is trouble brewing in paradise. Girls will, however, talk to their girlfriends about your issues in the attempt to obtain "emotional support." This does not help matters, because our girlfriends will "pump us up" and help us (or not) to build up enough courage to start the "attack." lol... There will come a time when we will simply have to begin the "transformation" of your "imperfect man." oh oh...This is when we will start voicing our concerns to you (this is what you will recognize as nagging). Suddenly that sweet, dedicated girl that you once knew, will begin transforming into something that, in your mind, impedes you from being you. Her "nails are out" and their purpose is to change you... Have you ever found yourself saying, "I am just being myself?" Ha ha, I bet you have!

On the other hand, as men, you are getting some sex on a regular basis. You are finding carnal satisfaction during this honeymoon stage, and you begin thinking that this could definitely be "the one..." NO SOOO QUICKLY AMIGOS... because the male species is so driven by the "second brain," lol, that you overlook many potentially damaging issues. Max, this is the answer to your question," how does one identify skeletons in the closet?". The skeletons are out there for you to see, the problem is that you are not stopping to look at the red flags that are beginning to surface because you are too busy trying to "get sum"... Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I think that you guys should take a little more time forming an opinion about your new romance in an objective matter. I believe that you should reserve some emotional space to yourselves so that you can walk away without as much pain in case you have to, or be able to communicate your concerns openly and effectively.

OK, now that we learned about the Honeymoon stage, we should talk about the next concepts: STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME AND DO NOT TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO HEAR...

I believe that in order for us to get this right, there has to be some degree of responsibility from both men and women. The first thing is that we MUST agree that we are different. Yes, it has taken me some years to finally accept that men will behave as men and women will behave as women. For thousands of years this has been the case, and it would be ridiculous for us to think that we have the power to change that. I will focus first on the girlies, because I think that we need to evolve a bit more when approaching men:

Girls, your man will be a testosterone-filled person who needs to talk shit among his friends, show that he is a "man's man" and show off his "power" to both men and women alike. This is part of the species. Just as he did when you first met him.... which probably was why you liked him so much. ACCEPT that, and let him be himself. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM. Instead, you can understand him and become his friend so that he feels comfortable being who he is around you. What will this mean? That he will probably choose to be more honest and open with you about his life outside of you. Guys really would love to have not just a lover in you but also a friend. He will not just tell you what you want to hear, but actually tell you the truth about his day because he knows that you have faith in him as a man. A man needs to feel admiration from his girl... much of his self worth comes from that!! GIRLS PLEASE TAKE NOTE!!!

Guys, I got your back, however, you also have to understand that if you are in a committed relationship, there are some things that you must give up for your girl and your happiness in any relationship. Yes, you can be the dude that other dudes look up to because of your track record with girls, and your power in other areas, such as work. However, the flirting with the opposite sex can get you into some problems. You may have found reassurance from women by flirting and attention-seeking behavior. You may have formed a lot of your self-worth by how many women checked you out or gave you attention in the past. Now that you are in a relationship, it is your responsibility to find reassurance from other aspects of your life. Perhaps from your new girl, a new hobby, from your performance, from how amazing of a partner you can be, that is all up to you. This is the time when you should explore what makes you happy and form new ideals. This is only if you choose to have a long lasting, functional relationship.

SO NOW YOU SEE WHY I SAY THAT IT REQUIRES RESPONSIBILITY FROM BOTH MEN AND WOMEN? No one said that it would be easy to have a happy relationship... and then again, how many happy, truly happy couples do you know??!?!!!! I can count with only the fingers of one hand how many happy couples I know. I feel that we should set boundaries and parameters between us with the understanding that we are different. For instance, us girls should agree to listen without the neurosis of wanting to change our man, and men you should agree that you will continue to be a man's man but without disrespecting your girl. At some point you might want to talk about what the other one considers disrespect and agree to honor their request.

Dan, this is when your theory of a longer existence comes in: IF you are one of the lucky ones that can find and maintain a happy, HONEST relationship, then expect to thrive as a person in every aspect of your life. You can enjoy plenty of sex with your significant other, you can enjoy the envy (oops lol I mean the admiration) of others because of how great you get along with your partner. This in turn, can only mean a happier, healthier life that will endure for many years.

DO NOT THINK THAT IT IS EASY. We are different species.. Think about it as a bunny and a cat deciding to get married lol... yeah, I believe that we are that different. A bunny loves to hop around and a kitty loves to nap. If that was ever to work out, there will have to be a lot of discussion about what each of them want because they are both setting expectations based on their existence of a rabbit and a cat. CAN IT WORK? SURE! It can, but not without daily communication and outlining of expectations.

LETS' GO TRY THIS OUT!! I have complete faith in you!!!

Till next time!!

Stella

Why can't I get it right?!!!

Throughout my experience as a Mental Health therapist I have seen many people who have endured pain and suffering, and not of the physical kind, but of the deeper and more confounding emotional kind. Many of my clients were women who found themselves in abusive relationships of varying degrees. I will always remember one of my first clients, "Ramona." I met her at a homeless shelter when I was 19 and she was turning 30 that year. Beautiful woman, with deep blue eyes and a vibrant white smile. I have to be honest, though, Ramona looked 10 years older than her chronological age, and once I started meeting her for bi-weekly visits at the shelter I understood why. Ramona had 2 beautiful little girls, whom she brought to the shelter. They were all running from an abusive man, Ramona's husband, and the father of the girls. My job was to help her get back on her feet and assist her in finding a new home and place of employment.

At 19, it seemed to be a pretty important job, and truthfully, I wasn't sure if I could handle it at that point. As time went on, it became clear that I was witnessing an amazing transformation in Ramona. For 2 weeks, we met in the waiting room at the homeless shelter with very little privacy, so the progress was slow. But then we found Ramona and her girls a cute 2 bedroom apt. We started therapy in her living room and Ramona began to open up. She spoke of many failed relationships and the pressures of turning 30. She felt disheartened because she expected to be more successful at 30. Ramona began setting goals for herself and her main one was to write a book about her life. And what a life... After about 1 month of therapy, there was a breakthrough: Ramona begin remembering things of her childhood that were deep in her subconscious... Ramona had been raped by her father for many many painful years. I will never forget the day that these memories came flooding out of her being. Ramona began crying hysterically, fell to her knees, assumed a fetal position and began to rock back and forth. She started yelling "STOP!!" and was absolutely Unaware of my presence. I immediately got on my knees and held her, reassuring her that she was safe and loved. At 19 and with just one year of college, I knew that I was not "Book ready" for this breakthrough, however, Ramona felt safe and understood that I was there to be a mere instrument for her healing. After several minutes, I coached her back to the present moment. To both of us, this was a life-changing event. To Ramona, she finally understood the origins of her maladaptive behavior, specifically within her romantic relationships. To me, I understood that being a Therapist was my calling. We continued therapy for three more months, during which Ramona obtained employment, got her little girls into school, and began writing her book. Then we parted ways...

Why such heavy material for my blog today? Well my dear readers, Ramona is just an example of how we carry burdens from our childhood into today. We find ourselves getting into romantic relationships which either end up going no-where, or we are absolutely unhappy. We try and try to "fix" it but to no avail. We date the same people but with a different name and face and endure lots of frustration. When we are alone, we sense that there is "something" missing... but WHAT IS IT??!!! Honestly, most of us will not decide to go through therapy to find out what we are missing, so here are some helpful notions to help you break away from the behavior patterns that keep you hostage:

The first example that we have of what a relationship should look like, is from our parents. We, as children are learning almost by "osmosis" lol. We are present in the home when mom and dad are interacting and we become familiar with the way they behave toward each other. What many people do not realize is that this form of interaction, in a child's mind, is what is "normal." Think back to your childhood... now recognize the positive and the negative memories. Are you perpetuating any of the negative? Any subconscious behavior going on that you did not recognize before?

As children we form what we call "tapes." To give you an illustration: I had a family that came into therapy because their 5 year old little boy, "Connor," was acting out after their parents separated. To give the parents credit, they came to see me together for Connor's sake, despite the fact that they could not stand each other. After I saw Connor alone for 3 sessions, it finally came out: Connor felt that the separation was all his fault! He told me that he remembers the day that his daddy walked out. It was the day that Connor refused to eat his spaghetti. Connor was absolutely convinced that if he had eaten his spaghetti, his mom and dad would still be together. Connor took all of the responsibility in his immature 5 year old little mind. Had we not discovered his understanding of reality this early, he would probably be walking around as an adult bearing the guilt of his parents separation. Fortunately, we were able to rebute his "pseudo reality" and he replaced the old tapes with more accurate new ones.

These tapes are our interpretation of reality. The only problem is that these tapes were formed with the mind of a child. As we grow older into adulthood, most of us worked off old, inaccurate tapes. These are old convictions that stunt our emotional development, which in turn translate into dysfunctional relationships. TIME TO RECOGNIZE AND CHANGE THE OLD TAPES inherited by your childlike mind. You are now able to change what you did not like back then and carry it into your new adult life. Be aware that our subconscious is pretty stubborn. We tend to be comfortable even if we are uncomfortable, just because it is what we know...get it? Good!

I think this is enough material for now. I hope that this was helpful. I felt compelled to be a little more therapeutic today so that we can start making some real changes in our lives. I invite you to look for patterns in your relationships. Patterns in the way that you feel when you are involved with someone. There will come a point when these behaviors will no longer work, especially if you decide to work on being a more balanced, happy human being. What is the most exciting thing of all is that ALL OF THE ANSWERS ARE WITH IN YOU... Only you know what feels right and what doesn't. Go out there and explore your potential and let me know how it goes!!

Til next time!!