Disposable Love

Welcome to my world and hope to see you here often. It has been a super busy six months for me! For those of you who don't know me, I have been producing and hosting my own television show called Livin La Vida Miami. Needless to say, it has been challenging to focus on my "hobbies," writing being one of them. Anyway, here we go:

When discussing "Love" we tend to go into abstract areas with no right or wrong answers. However, it is a topic that touches all of us. I hate when people ask me to describe "love." It is as vast and intricate as the amount of personalities of a person with Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder). We can go on forever explaining it, and just when you think you're done. BOOM! something changes! lol

Today I am choosing to focus on how disposable love has become in our world. Many of us walk around looking for that one person who, in our minds, will make us "complete." That one person who will complement us, who wont hurt us and who will honor and respect us at all times... These all seem like reasonable requests, right? We all deserve to find that person, right? Right! How many times have you felt like you have found this ideal mate?? If I venture to guess, more than once. So if it all seems so awesome and peachy when you first meet, then what happens after a few weeks, months or even years??? Why does it seems as though you can't hold on to it? I am going to give you my personal (and professional opinion), and I know that it may not be a very popular point of view. Why?? Well, let's see...

When two people meet, two separate worlds meet. We all bring our past experiences to the relationship. Our good and our bad (hopefully more good than bad). At first, because of the "rose-colored" glasses that we're wearing due to our physical attraction for each other, we tend to overlook many of each other shortcomings. We are more concerned about romancing each other and having some explosive sexual encounters (not that there's anything wrong with that!). So, if we're "getting some" we can forgive a lot, right? We even stop doing the things that we need to do to nurture our individual selves, and spend a lot more time focusing on the needs of the other person. FIRST MISTAKE...

Wait a minute! Am I saying that we need to be selfish?? NO!! What I'm saying is that, as we begin to construct this new found "Couple" identity, we stop nourishing the one and only person that can ensure internal balance and sanity: OURSELVES. Let me give you and example: Prior to meeting your current boyfriend (or girlfriend), you took a spinning class (or kickboxing)every Wednesday night. You have taken this class for 2 years and it has been a huge source of stress relief and overall fitness and sanity. Then, you start dating and the first thing you do is drop your class and head to his/her apartment every Wednesday night for dinner (and some booty). You never replace that fitness class for, say, a Saturday class. You simply give up fitness all together. At first glance, it is no big deal, again, because you are loving the courtship and feelings of elation when you are with your hunney. What we are not aware of is that you are neglecting your need to burn off calories, stress, the social interactions within the class, etc. You start de-prioritizing yourself and start prioritizing your partner.

So time goes by, and we find yourselves immersed in this hot love affair. We block out our individual needs and we create this "pseudo identity" that revolves around the couple's needs. We basically stop bringing to the table what made the relationship start in the first place: two separate and unique worlds, that if nurtured along with the new romance, would equate to a much more balanced combination.

Why is this relevant when it comes to "disposable love?" Well, this is my theory: After some time of neglecting ourselves individually and identifying only with our roles in our relationships, we begin to feel "voided." We look to each other to fulfill our needs, almost in a co-dependent manner. We start building lots of expectations of each other that we, inevitably, will not be able to meet. We, in turn, embark on a quest to fill in this void by bringing people and situations into our relationship with the hope that they will help us in our quest for "fulfillment."

There are so many couples today that "invite" other people into their intimacy. There are so many couples that attend parties and clubs where boundaries are non-existent, and let's not even mention morals. Couples start to "venture" out either as couples or individually, trying to find that rush, again, trying to fill the void. Despite the denial of many, it will be a matter of time before the initial core formed through love or infatuation, rots away. The commitment level begins to diminish. The respect starts to slip, until we find ourselves in an extremely dysfunctional relationship to say the least. We end up disappointed, broken hearted and alone. Again, love becomes disposable. Then we embark in the search all over again, but the biggest problem is that we did not learn what we needed to from that break up. We pick up the pieces and we continue to make the same mistakes.

So what could we have done from the start? Well, we could have remained intact individuals meeting someone else who can complement us. By intact I mean, individuals who continue to work on themselves by striving for self actualization. Individuals who bring a world of knowledge, fun, creativity, love, internal peace, stability and health. Imagine if, as you nurture a new relationship, you find a way to continue to evolve as an individual. Yes, YOU as the Best person that you can be for yourself and for your partner! I can guarantee that your partner will be proud to call you "his" or "her" significant other. You may even inspire them to do the same. I will finish with my favorite quote of all time from Dr. Wayne Dyer: "Become the person that you want to find."

I hope that I have teased your brain a bit. Don't forget that you can not fix a problem with the same mind that created it. If you are finding yourself frustrated and not able to find "true love," try incorporating some of these concepts into your courtship repertoire and see how well it works.

Stella