SEXY LIFE COACH STELLA VIDAL'S VIEWS ON LOVE, LIFE AND SPIRIT

Life has been crazy crazy... here are my updates

2012-01-09T11:04:00.003-05:00

Hello my dear luvss. I have been in production of the second season of my television show, Livin La Vida with Stella and Stuart. I've also started logging my workouts and am in the process of developing my new Life Coaching website.
Here are my latest videos:

Stay tuned for more!!! XOXOXO Stella

EASY WAYS TO MEDITATE

2011-06-28T08:29:00.001-04:00

Beautiful Body of yours!

2011-06-16T17:23:00.000-04:00

Body and Mind

2011-06-08T14:40:00.000-04:00

2011-06-07T22:32:00.000-04:00

"Are you different?"

2011-03-02T10:59:00.005-05:00

"ARE YOU DIFFERENT?"

ARE YOU THE PERSON WHO JOINS IN WHEN OTHERS ARE TALKING NEGATIVELY ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE?

If you don't join in, that makes you different.

ARE YOU SOMEONE WHO BEFORE TAKING THE FIRST STEP TOWARD FULFILLING A DREAM, BEGINS TO FIND REASONS WHY IT WOULD NEVER WORK?

If you don't, that makes you different.

ARE YOU THE PERSON WHO WILL AVOID PURSUING A GOAL JUST BECAUSE IT'S NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE?

If you don't, that makes you different.

ARE YOU SOMEONE WHO, DUE TO DAILY STRESS, PUTS OFF LETTING LOVED ONES KNOW HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?

If you don't, that makes you different.

DO YOU FIND YOURSELF NOTICING MORE OF THE NEGATIVE THAN THE POSITIVE THINGS AROUND YOU?

If you don't, that makes you different.

ARE YOU SOMEONE WHO ALLOWS FEAR TO FORCE YOU INTO SETTLING FOR WHAT IS SAFER AND MORE PREDICTABLE?

If you don't, that makes you different.

ARE YOU SOMEONE WHO WILL JUDGE YOURSELF AND ALWAYS COME UP SHORT BASED ON OTHER PEOPLE'S ACCOMPLISHMENTS?

If you don't, that makes you different.

ARE YOU SOMEONE THAT STOPS LOVING ANOTHER PERSON SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY STOPPED LOVING YOU?

If you don't, that makes you different!

ARE YOU THAT PERSON WHO WILL END A RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID THAT THEY WILL END IT FIRST?

If you don't, that makes you different.

ARE YOU THE PERSON THAT WILL ALLOW PAST HURTS AND MISTAKES TAINT YOUR FAITH IN YOURSELF AND OTHERS?

If you don't, that makes you different.

~~ Always work on being different... If you don't, you are just part of the rest of the world and may become forgettable and indispensable. Striving to be unique is the road less traveled, but it will allow you to live a more fulfilling and blessed life~~

Oh, and if you're tired of others treating you poorly, perhaps it's time to start looking for ways in which you can touch their lives with kindness. If after you extend the olive branch, they still don't treat you with respect, you can walk away knowing that you've done your part. That's all you can control.

Even when you feel as though there isn't a lot you can do to change your current unhappiness or perceived problems, you can always do a little every day and you will see that a little at a time will make a BIG difference!! Above all, be patient and forgive yourself frequently!

Let me know how it goes!!

Stella

We are definitely from a different planet!

2010-12-30T14:18:00.006-05:00

Welcome back!! Here are some things that I have learned in this past year about the differences between men and women:

Although both sexes want to be loved, we tend to approach seeking for love in different ways... Men tend to have a "short attention span" when it comes to women, even if they are in a committed relationship. Men need to be constantly teased, not emotionally, but sexually, in order for them to keep their interest. When it comes to women, we love to be praised constantly, but not necessarily teased. We want to know that we are the one that you dream of... unfortunately, we don't necessarily want to put in the work to ensure that this happens. Ladies, time to start spending some time on making sure that you are as sexy as you can be. Then show him your progress through sexy emails and texts. You never know, if he is not looking at pics of you, he may be searching through the web trying to satisfy that "sexual ADD."

"Bros before whoes." Even though we frown at this notion, we as women should learn a bit from guys when it comes to camaradery and loyalty. Why is it that women are such biotches to each other? I can not tell you how many times I have been stabbed in the back by chics who I thought were my friends. A guy can hang out with his buddies and their gorgeous girlfriends, and as men, they usually do not have to worry about stealing each other's girls. On the other hand, if girls are hanging out with each other and there happens to be boyfriends in the mix, this is likely to happen:
The guys will take advantage of the fact that female relationships are fragmented and he will attempt to flirt with other girls knowing very well that he may get some ego stroking that night. Why? Because chics tend to be vindictive and to want what others girls have. I am not saying that all girls are this way. There are "girls' girls" in this world, but I can count the ones I know in one hand. The rest are simply over jealous females who are looking for opportunities to "dethrone" the alpha females in her pack.
Girls, guys know our weakness and they exploit it (even if it is subconsciously). Imagine if we lived in a world where us women had each other's back!! It will be a fantastic way to be more powerful as a female species.

Females self worth tends to come from others' feedback regarding our beauty and popularity. OK, guys are a bit this way too, but at the end of the day, a guy's worth is closely attached to how much sex he has and how many of his friends know this. Again, if us females were a bit more savvy, we would make sure that our guy was the most popular and powerful in his group by having sex with him as often as possible. Trust me when I tell you that he WILL BE PROUD OF YOU! And PLEASE do not say to him: ok, let's get it over with... You have no idea how many guys tell me that their chic has sex with him just because she feels an obligation. As women WE MUST learn to enjoy sex!! I read somewhere that every time we have a pleasurable sexual experience, we add years to our lives! C'mon girls, time to juice it up!

Finally, men want an uncomplicated relationship where they feel appreciated and are "stroked" frequently. Women tend to use their emotions as weapons of self destruction. KEEP IT SIMPLE girlfriends! Understand what makes you tick, and spell it out for him in black and white. STOP THE FREAKIN guessing games. Guys do not function well when they have to interpret and read between the lines. They like clear and concise communication regarding how to please you and keep you happy. If you as a girl, are feeling emotional (or hormonal), use those times to reach out and talk to your girlfriend, who will go along with your need to "talk it out." Before you actually talk to your man when in this type of state, please make sure that you've processed your emotions and that you know exactly what you'd like from him. Then in a non-emotional manner, let him know what you need. I promise that this will help. Guys DO want to please us, but unfortunately, we as girls, tend to make it difficult for them. Leave the guess work to game show contestants and use the your time to build the relationship that you want and deserve.

When we all decide to embrace the fact that we are different, and that men and women alike want the same outcome: a happy and healthy relationship, then we will start living and stop wasting our time. Yes, as corny as it sounds there is only one "today." So let's start fresh. Let's leave our mistakes for the past. As Louise L. Hay once said: "The past is over, so it has no power now. The thoughts of this moment create my future."

A brand new year is approaching, there is a blank slate in front of us. What thoughts and choices will you make? Will you come closer to the person you've intended to be and will you finally form the relationship that you've dreamed of?

Thank you for reading and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Stella

Disposable Love

2010-11-05T11:47:00.002-04:00

Welcome to my world and hope to see you here often. It has been a super busy six months for me! For those of you who don't know me, I have been producing and hosting my own television show called Livin La Vida Miami. Needless to say, it has been challenging to focus on my "hobbies," writing being one of them. Anyway, here we go:

When discussing "Love" we tend to go into abstract areas with no right or wrong answers. However, it is a topic that touches all of us. I hate when people ask me to describe "love." It is as vast and intricate as the amount of personalities of a person with Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder). We can go on forever explaining it, and just when you think you're done. BOOM! something changes! lol

Today I am choosing to focus on how disposable love has become in our world. Many of us walk around looking for that one person who, in our minds, will make us "complete." That one person who will complement us, who wont hurt us and who will honor and respect us at all times... These all seem like reasonable requests, right? We all deserve to find that person, right? Right! How many times have you felt like you have found this ideal mate?? If I venture to guess, more than once. So if it all seems so awesome and peachy when you first meet, then what happens after a few weeks, months or even years??? Why does it seems as though you can't hold on to it? I am going to give you my personal (and professional opinion), and I know that it may not be a very popular point of view. Why?? Well, let's see...

When two people meet, two separate worlds meet. We all bring our past experiences to the relationship. Our good and our bad (hopefully more good than bad). At first, because of the "rose-colored" glasses that we're wearing due to our physical attraction for each other, we tend to overlook many of each other shortcomings. We are more concerned about romancing each other and having some explosive sexual encounters (not that there's anything wrong with that!). So, if we're "getting some" we can forgive a lot, right? We even stop doing the things that we need to do to nurture our individual selves, and spend a lot more time focusing on the needs of the other person. FIRST MISTAKE...

Wait a minute! Am I saying that we need to be selfish?? NO!! What I'm saying is that, as we begin to construct this new found "Couple" identity, we stop nourishing the one and only person that can ensure internal balance and sanity: OURSELVES. Let me give you and example: Prior to meeting your current boyfriend (or girlfriend), you took a spinning class (or kickboxing)every Wednesday night. You have taken this class for 2 years and it has been a huge source of stress relief and overall fitness and sanity. Then, you start dating and the first thing you do is drop your class and head to his/her apartment every Wednesday night for dinner (and some booty). You never replace that fitness class for, say, a Saturday class. You simply give up fitness all together. At first glance, it is no big deal, again, because you are loving the courtship and feelings of elation when you are with your hunney. What we are not aware of is that you are neglecting your need to burn off calories, stress, the social interactions within the class, etc. You start de-prioritizing yourself and start prioritizing your partner.

So time goes by, and we find yourselves immersed in this hot love affair. We block out our individual needs and we create this "pseudo identity" that revolves around the couple's needs. We basically stop bringing to the table what made the relationship start in the first place: two separate and unique worlds, that if nurtured along with the new romance, would equate to a much more balanced combination.

Why is this relevant when it comes to "disposable love?" Well, this is my theory: After some time of neglecting ourselves individually and identifying only with our roles in our relationships, we begin to feel "voided." We look to each other to fulfill our needs, almost in a co-dependent manner. We start building lots of expectations of each other that we, inevitably, will not be able to meet. We, in turn, embark on a quest to fill in this void by bringing people and situations into our relationship with the hope that they will help us in our quest for "fulfillment."

There are so many couples today that "invite" other people into their intimacy. There are so many couples that attend parties and clubs where boundaries are non-existent, and let's not even mention morals. Couples start to "venture" out either as couples or individually, trying to find that rush, again, trying to fill the void. Despite the denial of many, it will be a matter of time before the initial core formed through love or infatuation, rots away. The commitment level begins to diminish. The respect starts to slip, until we find ourselves in an extremely dysfunctional relationship to say the least. We end up disappointed, broken hearted and alone. Again, love becomes disposable. Then we embark in the search all over again, but the biggest problem is that we did not learn what we needed to from that break up. We pick up the pieces and we continue to make the same mistakes.

So what could we have done from the start? Well, we could have remained intact individuals meeting someone else who can complement us. By intact I mean, individuals who continue to work on themselves by striving for self actualization. Individuals who bring a world of knowledge, fun, creativity, love, internal peace, stability and health. Imagine if, as you nurture a new relationship, you find a way to continue to evolve as an individual. Yes, YOU as the Best person that you can be for yourself and for your partner! I can guarantee that your partner will be proud to call you "his" or "her" significant other. You may even inspire them to do the same. I will finish with my favorite quote of all time from Dr. Wayne Dyer: "Become the person that you want to find."

I hope that I have teased your brain a bit. Don't forget that you can not fix a problem with the same mind that created it. If you are finding yourself frustrated and not able to find "true love," try incorporating some of these concepts into your courtship repertoire and see how well it works.

Stella

LIVIN LA VIDA MIAMI PROMOTIONAL VIDEO

2010-07-06T10:29:00.000-04:00

This is for any guy who wants to peak into the minds of hot single girls in 2010

2010-02-04T15:47:00.006-05:00

I conducted a survey with 100+ of my single friends and acquaintances. I will be very kind and share their innermost secrets, but not their names. For the most part, most of the answers were very simmilar. Here is the compilation and it is HOT!!!

So here we go:

1. What’s your age? From 19 to 45

2. Where do you live? ALL OVER THE UNITED STATES

3. When you go out with your girlfriends, at a club, you usually plan on:

A. Going home with your girls after a great time and many drinks***WINNER***
B. Want to meet that perfect dude and go home with him.
C. Have no specific plans either way… you kinda go with the flow.

4.You are out at a club and there are a lot of guys to choose from. You go for:
A. The “Social Butterfly” who is going from girl to girl givin more than one person attention.**FIRST RUNNER UP**
B. The quiet observant type.***WINNER***
C. The flashy guy with the wad of money (Rico Suave)
D. I have no preference.

5.You give your guy attention at a club even though you know he’s not getting any, simply because he’s buying you drinks.
TRUE ***WINNER***
FALSE

6. When you are alone with your thoughts, you think about finding a husband:
A. Once a day
B. Several times a day
C. You obsess about it
D. You can be happy being alone and uncomplicated for ever. **WINNER**

7. A “Deal braker” for you is:
***A CHEATER*** WINNER ACROSS THE BOARD!!

8. These are the three things I fantasize about the most when it comes to sex:
ORAL SEX, BEING ON TOP, SEX DOGGIE STYLE (FROM BEHIND), SEX IN PUBLIC PLACES, HAVING SEX WITH A STRANGER WHO SHE WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN

9. You are dating someone and it is starting to get serious, but one night you meet an amazing hot, intelligent and caring guy. He asks you for your number. You:

A. Need to keep your options open, so you give him your number.** WINNER***
B. You tell him no, but take his number and call him at a later date.
C. Not interested and pass the opportunity all together.

10. When it comes to marriage, you think that:
A. It’s for fools and don’t believe it works.
B. Have faith in marriage and would commit if the right guy came around***WINNER***
C. You believe in it, but there is always divorce.

11. Girls who cheat are:
A. Always cheaters.
B. Can be monogamous if in the right relationship** WINNER***
C. Just having more fun than the rest.

12 Guys who cheat are:
D. Always cheaters ***WINNER*** (HMMM... A BIT OF A DOUBLE STANDARD??? INTERESTING!!)
E. Can be monogamous if in the right relationship.
F. Just having more fun than the rest.

13. My idea of a perfect relationship is:
A. The man is in charge
B. I am definitely in charge
C. It’s a partnership *** WINNER***

14. Finally, list three things that you would never tell the guy that you’re with:

*** I WILL NEVER TELL HIM ABOUT HOW MANY GUYS I HAVE SLEPT WITH***WINNER**
**I HAVE SEX WITHOUT PROTECTION**
*I WILL NOT TELL HIM IF I EVER CHEATED ON HIM

Can we be friends?

2010-01-12T13:01:00.006-05:00

So this is our first blog of 2010 and I felt compelled to write about something that tends to be a bit controversial... "Can men and women be just friends?"

I say it depends who you ask! If you ask a girl, she will tell you: ABSOLUTELY! I personally have many guy friends, and believe it or not, I prefer the male species with the exception of a few of my female friends who I trust blindly. It is not that simple, though... I believe that when it comes to men, they agree to being friends with the opposite sex, sometimes out of pure resignation. By this I mean that there are extenuating circumstances that impede them from pursuing a romantic twist to their friendship with girls. "Extenuating circumstances? What does that mean?!!" Well, that means that if given the opportunity, men would let go of the friendship and jump in the sack (or the back seat of their car) with their female friend.

I strongly believe that women hold the cards when it comes to friendship with men. It is not right or wrong, it simply IS! Of course this is a generalization and there are always exceptions, but guys, feel free to disagree! Let's paint a picture: your hot friend, whom you've shared secrets with and who you have fantasized about (even though she has had a boyfriend for the past 4 years), one day calls you and asks you to come over for drinks because she just broke up with her boyfriend. You are currently in a new relationship with someone you adore, but... GOSHHHH!!! Your friend needs you (yeah, who are you fooling haa haa!!). What would you do?!! Do you jump at the opportunity or do you refuse to "save the friendship?" I have a feeling I know the answer.

I go back to the notion that men and women are simply different. I believe that when we all agree to embrace our differences and celebrate our similarities, we would get along much better. SO guys, do not get upset if your current girlfriend disagrees with you spending too much time with girl "friends." We know that there is a very fine line between friends of the opposite sex. In general, men tend to be on the lookout for opportunities not just to "score" but to also brag about to their male counterparts. Women, on the other hand, love the attention that guy friends give them and will push the limit simply out of loneliness and desperation, not to mention the whole "competitive nature" with other females. IF there is an opportunity to get back at some bitch for doing us wrong, we might just push our friendship with the bitch's boyfriend out of spite... I know it is SOOO wrong, but it is also the truth.

SO WHAT TO DO? Can we really do this? Can we have healthy friendships with the other sex? I believe that we can in small quantities and with caution. Always setting clear boundaries and including your significant other in the general aspects of the friendship so to help them feel secure. Considering the "dangers" of this phenomena, the more people you involve, the more accountable you are AND THE BETTER YOU CAN SLEEP AT NIGHT lol... After all, shouldn't we all strive to do the right thing and do right by those who love and trust us?

Thanks for reading and until next time!!

Stella

"Happy Ending massage...the perfect Christmas present!"

2009-12-16T14:18:00.016-05:00

I KNOW that you are dying to find out what is up with this week's blog... well, here is the deal:

How many of you work day in and day out, almost to exhaustion and by the time the weekend arrives, there is very little left of you... your body aches, you lack energy and those around you do not quit with their expectations of you. You think to yourself, "goshh how I could go for a massage!!" Those of you who can identify with this, raise your hand!! Haa haa, me too!! Not only do you feel exhausted, but also would like some sexual release... Well today is your lucky day!!!

Ok mis amigos, don't run out and start looking for an unethical massage parlor because you have the solution right before your eyes. How about planning an amazing date with your current "lover." A date that will resonate with the both of you for a lifetime? A date that will allow you to enjoy a degree of intimacy that you never thought possible??!! If you want to be the hero, here is how to do it:

1. Set aside 2 hours from your day off (make sure that your partner is also available).

2. Go to the nearest smoke shop and purchase a small box of incense called MagChampa... this is by far the best smelling and arousing incense that you will find. They are also less than $5.00.

3. Purchase yummy-smelling candles from your neighborhood pharmacy, or discount stores, such as Ross, Marshalls, or similar. Make sure that they are different sizes and fragrances(you don't have to spend more than $20.00 the first time and then they are yours!)

4. Purchase a B-Tribe CD (the earlier ones are the most relaxing and spiritual of all)... around $12.00

5. You will need lubrication for the massage, so an odorless lotion will do... nothing fancy.

6. A clean bed and turned off cellphones and house phones.

7. A bottle of water.

Now you are ready!

This is a gift that will last a lifetime...

Have your significant other loose all responsibilities for the next hour and a half and let him/her know that this time will be dedicated just to them.

Light all of the candles around, pop in the B-Tribe CD, make the room temperature nice and warm (around 78 degrees).Have them lay down unclothed face down. Drape over them a fresh sheet so that they do not get cold...

Place the lotion on your hands and rub them until they feel warm...Start massaging their feet in circular motion (make sure your hands are not cold). DO NOT be afraid to go deep... Work yourself up the legs, then do the hands and arms (we are leaving the torso to the end). After the arms, go to the neck and make sure that you work out the kinks... most of us carry a lot of stress around the neck and shoulder.

Finally work on the back and buttocks... nothing sexual, just a massage. Before you finish ask him/her if there are any areas that you missed or that they would like you to work on more.

Once the massage is complete and your "luvie" is completely relaxed, have them drink some water, and finally, invite them to finish with the "ultimate release" while you watch...yes, you read correctly, while you watch...

RULE #1 (OK, there is only one rule haa haa). This can not be a sexual encounter. You (the massage giver) can not pleasure yourself AT ALL. This is only about your honey and no one else. Save your own desires for the next time you guys have sex...

If you are a guy and are asking the girl finish her relaxation session with a "happy ending" make sure that you reassure her that she deserves this time. Encourage her to feel good about it,and even let her know that she can give you the same massage at another date. Girls may be a bit shy about it, and if they allow themselves to do this, it could be one of the hottest experiences you may have.

If you are a girlie and are reading this, trust me when I tell you that a man would absolutely appreciate you participating in this perfect gift, either by giving the massage or receiving it yourself... don't be shy and TRY IT!!

If you are a guy who would like to get this as a gift, you should copy this whole thing and print it. Place her in a card and let her know that this is one of your fantasies. Trust me when I tell you that after this massage, you will feel brand new and will enjoy RENEWED hope in love and sex!

OK, kiddies, I am sending you off and hope to hear how it all went!! I am challenging YOU to give the ultimate selfless gift... can you handle it?!!!

Till next time!!!!

Don't tell me what I want to hear...

2009-12-09T08:44:00.009-05:00

A new week a new set of opportunities to finally achieve that degree of happiness within your relationship. I asked many of my friends for ideas on what to write. I have to tell you that the male "species" does not cease to amaze me. The responses were incredibly thoughtful. Who said that guys don't care about romance? Here are the guys' suggestions:

Freddy says: "I smile whenever I see an old couple holding hands... possible topic."

Max says: "...how to find out about skeletons in the closet when dating someone."

Damon says: "The difference between how men and women view sex and love."

Darius wants to know "What is true love?"

Dan wants to know why divorce rates are so high and why "True marriage" is so evasive, despite the fact that a happy marriage brings about many benefits, such as a longer life.

Darius would like for me to write about the benefits of role playing (I assume in the bedroom)... (a whole new blog lol)

What is even more interesting is that I got "Zero" feedback from my girls, which puzzles me to no end, especially because I hear them complain frequently about men...

Well, here it is:

As a woman who studies human behavior to no end, I will give you some of my observations about this interesting dynamic that we call "relationships." I am aware that there are exceptions to every rule and that I may form new "enemies" because I speak the truth... despite all this, here I go:

When men and women begin the "courtship dance," we meet "the Representative." It is obvious that we are not going to show all of our flaws at the beginning of the "encounter." We have a purpose and this purpose is to "romance" the other to oblivion, haa haa... We want to make sure that the person of our interest feels that they have gotten a "good catch." This is normal, and it holds true in any type of relationship, work, friendship, etc.

There is a period, which I choose to call the "Honeymoon stage." During this time, we tend to hold back many emotions that deviate from the "happy go lucky feeling." We show our best face forth and continue to do so until some time goes on. Then, the true colors start seeping through and we begin to see what the other person is really about. The tricky part about this dynamic is that during the honeymoon stage, we create some sort of dependency on that new person. Our emotions are tied into theirs, and we have new habits, which involve our new "love." So even though we start to see some flaws and some "red flags", we ignore them at first because the infatuation is of primal importance... And then, trouble in paradise:

As girls, we begin to notice some not-so good habits in our man... We decide that we MUST change him at all cost!! When we begin to see these "issues" that "need to change" we simply make mental notes but fail to voice our concerns at first, because we are still in that infamous "honeymoon stage" and we want to make sure that we don't "scare him away." But what you guys do not realize is that there is trouble brewing in paradise. Girls will, however, talk to their girlfriends about your issues in the attempt to obtain "emotional support." This does not help matters, because our girlfriends will "pump us up" and help us (or not) to build up enough courage to start the "attack." lol... There will come a time when we will simply have to begin the "transformation" of your "imperfect man." oh oh...This is when we will start voicing our concerns to you (this is what you will recognize as nagging). Suddenly that sweet, dedicated girl that you once knew, will begin transforming into something that, in your mind, impedes you from being you. Her "nails are out" and their purpose is to change you... Have you ever found yourself saying, "I am just being myself?" Ha ha, I bet you have!

On the other hand, as men, you are getting some sex on a regular basis. You are finding carnal satisfaction during this honeymoon stage, and you begin thinking that this could definitely be "the one..." NO SOOO QUICKLY AMIGOS... because the male species is so driven by the "second brain," lol, that you overlook many potentially damaging issues. Max, this is the answer to your question," how does one identify skeletons in the closet?". The skeletons are out there for you to see, the problem is that you are not stopping to look at the red flags that are beginning to surface because you are too busy trying to "get sum"... Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I think that you guys should take a little more time forming an opinion about your new romance in an objective matter. I believe that you should reserve some emotional space to yourselves so that you can walk away without as much pain in case you have to, or be able to communicate your concerns openly and effectively.

OK, now that we learned about the Honeymoon stage, we should talk about the next concepts: STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME AND DO NOT TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO HEAR...

I believe that in order for us to get this right, there has to be some degree of responsibility from both men and women. The first thing is that we MUST agree that we are different. Yes, it has taken me some years to finally accept that men will behave as men and women will behave as women. For thousands of years this has been the case, and it would be ridiculous for us to think that we have the power to change that. I will focus first on the girlies, because I think that we need to evolve a bit more when approaching men:

Girls, your man will be a testosterone-filled person who needs to talk shit among his friends, show that he is a "man's man" and show off his "power" to both men and women alike. This is part of the species. Just as he did when you first met him.... which probably was why you liked him so much. ACCEPT that, and let him be himself. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM. Instead, you can understand him and become his friend so that he feels comfortable being who he is around you. What will this mean? That he will probably choose to be more honest and open with you about his life outside of you. Guys really would love to have not just a lover in you but also a friend. He will not just tell you what you want to hear, but actually tell you the truth about his day because he knows that you have faith in him as a man. A man needs to feel admiration from his girl... much of his self worth comes from that!! GIRLS PLEASE TAKE NOTE!!!

Guys, I got your back, however, you also have to understand that if you are in a committed relationship, there are some things that you must give up for your girl and your happiness in any relationship. Yes, you can be the dude that other dudes look up to because of your track record with girls, and your power in other areas, such as work. However, the flirting with the opposite sex can get you into some problems. You may have found reassurance from women by flirting and attention-seeking behavior. You may have formed a lot of your self-worth by how many women checked you out or gave you attention in the past. Now that you are in a relationship, it is your responsibility to find reassurance from other aspects of your life. Perhaps from your new girl, a new hobby, from your performance, from how amazing of a partner you can be, that is all up to you. This is the time when you should explore what makes you happy and form new ideals. This is only if you choose to have a long lasting, functional relationship.

SO NOW YOU SEE WHY I SAY THAT IT REQUIRES RESPONSIBILITY FROM BOTH MEN AND WOMEN? No one said that it would be easy to have a happy relationship... and then again, how many happy, truly happy couples do you know??!?!!!! I can count with only the fingers of one hand how many happy couples I know. I feel that we should set boundaries and parameters between us with the understanding that we are different. For instance, us girls should agree to listen without the neurosis of wanting to change our man, and men you should agree that you will continue to be a man's man but without disrespecting your girl. At some point you might want to talk about what the other one considers disrespect and agree to honor their request.

Dan, this is when your theory of a longer existence comes in: IF you are one of the lucky ones that can find and maintain a happy, HONEST relationship, then expect to thrive as a person in every aspect of your life. You can enjoy plenty of sex with your significant other, you can enjoy the envy (oops lol I mean the admiration) of others because of how great you get along with your partner. This in turn, can only mean a happier, healthier life that will endure for many years.

DO NOT THINK THAT IT IS EASY. We are different species.. Think about it as a bunny and a cat deciding to get married lol... yeah, I believe that we are that different. A bunny loves to hop around and a kitty loves to nap. If that was ever to work out, there will have to be a lot of discussion about what each of them want because they are both setting expectations based on their existence of a rabbit and a cat. CAN IT WORK? SURE! It can, but not without daily communication and outlining of expectations.

LETS' GO TRY THIS OUT!! I have complete faith in you!!!

Till next time!!

Stella

Why can't I get it right?!!!

2009-12-01T10:19:00.005-05:00

Throughout my experience as a Mental Health therapist I have seen many people who have endured pain and suffering, and not of the physical kind, but of the deeper and more confounding emotional kind. Many of my clients were women who found themselves in abusive relationships of varying degrees. I will always remember one of my first clients, "Ramona." I met her at a homeless shelter when I was 19 and she was turning 30 that year. Beautiful woman, with deep blue eyes and a vibrant white smile. I have to be honest, though, Ramona looked 10 years older than her chronological age, and once I started meeting her for bi-weekly visits at the shelter I understood why. Ramona had 2 beautiful little girls, whom she brought to the shelter. They were all running from an abusive man, Ramona's husband, and the father of the girls. My job was to help her get back on her feet and assist her in finding a new home and place of employment.

At 19, it seemed to be a pretty important job, and truthfully, I wasn't sure if I could handle it at that point. As time went on, it became clear that I was witnessing an amazing transformation in Ramona. For 2 weeks, we met in the waiting room at the homeless shelter with very little privacy, so the progress was slow. But then we found Ramona and her girls a cute 2 bedroom apt. We started therapy in her living room and Ramona began to open up. She spoke of many failed relationships and the pressures of turning 30. She felt disheartened because she expected to be more successful at 30. Ramona began setting goals for herself and her main one was to write a book about her life. And what a life... After about 1 month of therapy, there was a breakthrough: Ramona begin remembering things of her childhood that were deep in her subconscious... Ramona had been raped by her father for many many painful years. I will never forget the day that these memories came flooding out of her being. Ramona began crying hysterically, fell to her knees, assumed a fetal position and began to rock back and forth. She started yelling "STOP!!" and was absolutely Unaware of my presence. I immediately got on my knees and held her, reassuring her that she was safe and loved. At 19 and with just one year of college, I knew that I was not "Book ready" for this breakthrough, however, Ramona felt safe and understood that I was there to be a mere instrument for her healing. After several minutes, I coached her back to the present moment. To both of us, this was a life-changing event. To Ramona, she finally understood the origins of her maladaptive behavior, specifically within her romantic relationships. To me, I understood that being a Therapist was my calling. We continued therapy for three more months, during which Ramona obtained employment, got her little girls into school, and began writing her book. Then we parted ways...

Why such heavy material for my blog today? Well my dear readers, Ramona is just an example of how we carry burdens from our childhood into today. We find ourselves getting into romantic relationships which either end up going no-where, or we are absolutely unhappy. We try and try to "fix" it but to no avail. We date the same people but with a different name and face and endure lots of frustration. When we are alone, we sense that there is "something" missing... but WHAT IS IT??!!! Honestly, most of us will not decide to go through therapy to find out what we are missing, so here are some helpful notions to help you break away from the behavior patterns that keep you hostage:

The first example that we have of what a relationship should look like, is from our parents. We, as children are learning almost by "osmosis" lol. We are present in the home when mom and dad are interacting and we become familiar with the way they behave toward each other. What many people do not realize is that this form of interaction, in a child's mind, is what is "normal." Think back to your childhood... now recognize the positive and the negative memories. Are you perpetuating any of the negative? Any subconscious behavior going on that you did not recognize before?

As children we form what we call "tapes." To give you an illustration: I had a family that came into therapy because their 5 year old little boy, "Connor," was acting out after their parents separated. To give the parents credit, they came to see me together for Connor's sake, despite the fact that they could not stand each other. After I saw Connor alone for 3 sessions, it finally came out: Connor felt that the separation was all his fault! He told me that he remembers the day that his daddy walked out. It was the day that Connor refused to eat his spaghetti. Connor was absolutely convinced that if he had eaten his spaghetti, his mom and dad would still be together. Connor took all of the responsibility in his immature 5 year old little mind. Had we not discovered his understanding of reality this early, he would probably be walking around as an adult bearing the guilt of his parents separation. Fortunately, we were able to rebute his "pseudo reality" and he replaced the old tapes with more accurate new ones.

These tapes are our interpretation of reality. The only problem is that these tapes were formed with the mind of a child. As we grow older into adulthood, most of us worked off old, inaccurate tapes. These are old convictions that stunt our emotional development, which in turn translate into dysfunctional relationships. TIME TO RECOGNIZE AND CHANGE THE OLD TAPES inherited by your childlike mind. You are now able to change what you did not like back then and carry it into your new adult life. Be aware that our subconscious is pretty stubborn. We tend to be comfortable even if we are uncomfortable, just because it is what we know...get it? Good!

I think this is enough material for now. I hope that this was helpful. I felt compelled to be a little more therapeutic today so that we can start making some real changes in our lives. I invite you to look for patterns in your relationships. Patterns in the way that you feel when you are involved with someone. There will come a point when these behaviors will no longer work, especially if you decide to work on being a more balanced, happy human being. What is the most exciting thing of all is that ALL OF THE ANSWERS ARE WITH IN YOU... Only you know what feels right and what doesn't. Go out there and explore your potential and let me know how it goes!!

Til next time!!

Why do women compete in love?.

2009-11-23T09:01:00.009-05:00

Ok, this one is dedicated to all of the wonderful men out there who are wondering how girls think... let me warn you that we are not as sweet and innocent as you may think we are, once you hear these ugly truths about us, you may understand a bit more of our erratic behavior lol... The great thing about us is that we are not that difficult to please once you know our thought process... Here we go:

Girls are vain (some mask their insecurity with vanity). Why? Because we feel compelled to be the "Queen Bees" whenever we are out partying, dinner, movies, etc. Yeah, I am here to tell you that we are more concerned about other girls than the men... yes, you heardit right... we love men, but we compete with other women... Unfortunately, there is a certain satisfaction that we feel when we realize that we are the hottest at the specific location.

There are two separate dynamics when we are out and about.

1. If we are single and on the prowl, we want to feel as though the guy of our choice will leap at the opportunity to be with us, and this is why we make sure to look as smoking as possible.
Many times, we sit back and scout the "arena" and choose who we may want to have a drink with, or even who we want to go home with.

Girls, what is interesting is that although men are highly visual and love a girl that is well dressed and put together, they might just go for the girl who appears to have less inhibitions even if she's not the hottest... path of least resistance? perhaps... This goes back to my earlier post when I discussed how girls should work on feeling sensual and comfortable with their body despite the shape and form. If a guy is at a bar and he sees a gorgeous woman he might even get a bit intimidated by her looks. That is why it is important for girls to be aware of how they may be perceived when they are that stunning! Being beautiful may work against you if you are not perceived as down to earth and approachable. They key is not to be the club "ho" nor to be the stuck up bitch who doesn't talk to anyone.

2. The other dynamic is when we are out with our "man." Then we become more of a "ho police." There is an absolute lack of trust among women when it comes to their man. Many guys don't know this and many women will adamantly deny it: There are many girls who fantasize about a guy walking away from his hot girlfriend and coming over to THEM..That's mean!... you may think, but it is the truth... So if you are the lucky guy who has the hottest girl around, other girls would love to see you disrespect her by giving them attention... So guys, take note and make sure you stick by your hot mama and do not give other chicks the satisfaction of watching your girl squirm. Have her back!

Perhaps due to the guys' inability to keep his "wondering eyes" in one place or maybe because a girl had a past girlfriend hit on her dude... Regardless of the reason, we want to be the hottest chica out so that our man does not stray...

As a species, again, it is very unusual to find a girl who absolutely loves to see another girl succeed. I have several theories about this phenomenon... My main theory is that when women engage in organized sports at an early age, they learn, as men do, to love and genuinely respect another girl when she achieves success. The reason why I feel it is a learned behavior through sports, is because I see how men in general, have no problem patting another guy on the back and being happy for him when he succeeds. Just like they did in the locker room after a football game. Through these types of team interactions, men have evolved as the ones who suffer less from the jealousy that us women experience. Us girls, truly need to work on developing the mentality of "there is enough for all of us" and "just because she is more beautiful than me doesn't mean that I can not be genuinely happy for her achievements." There is a quote from one of my favorite poems that I would like to share with you:

Desiderata:

"If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time"

Here is the link for the whole thing:

http://www.facebook.com/mystellavidal#/notes/stella-vidal/desiderata/181898094210

In conclusion:

Girls, let's work on finding peace with who we are and sharing the love with other members of our girl species. We might find great companionship and joint power if we let go the jealousy and embrace the "team mentality."

Men, understand that if we meet you out and we are single, we would love your attention... yes, your INDIVIDUAL attention. You can help gils by giving the girl of your choice all of the love and attention (and then some more) that she deserves. With your ability to focus on her specifically, you will definitely help her feel more secure and in turn give you more of the love and attention that YOU are looking for and deserve!

Isn't that what we all strive for at the end of the day? That love that keeps fueling by mutual respect and acknowledgement?

Until next time!!!!

Let's play Tease

2009-11-16T09:51:00.006-05:00

Let us look at these two scenarios and you tell me which one you would like to be part of:

Scene one:

You are driving home after a very loong week of work and looking forward to the weekend! You think, damn! I really busted ass this week and I deserve a really fun weekend! Can't wait to see my girl!...

You park the car outside the apartment, and happily walk up the stairs... You know that she must be over your place cause her car is also parked downstairs. Your heart beats quickly as you approach your apt. door, anticipating a hot and sexy weekend. You open it and immediately start looking for her. You yell out her name and she walks out of the bathroom in her long sweats with a baggy t-shirt that you bought back in high school. You notice that her hair is pulled back and that she might have even washed her face after work... She kisses you and tells you that she is super tired after a long week. She turns away to text her friend back on her blackberry...The mood is set. You're probably staying in. You grab a beer immediately from the fridge, unbutton your pants and kick off your shoes and grab the tv remote.

Scene two:

You are driving home from a very long week and are looking forward to an exciting weekend away from all the demands of the week...

You park the car outside your place and realize that she must be over your apt because her car is also parked downstairs. Your heart immediately starts beating faster as you anticipate a hot and sexy weekend... You open the front door and immediately start looking for her. You yell her name out and she walks out of the bathroom. She has obviously taken off her work clothes... she is now wearing a white wife-beater tank top with no bra, boy short underwear that rides up her butt and striped socks that go over her knees with a double pink and purple stripe. They actually match her Bootie underwear! WOW!! Her make up is still intact and as a matter of fact, she smells delicious, almost as if she had just sprayed on some perfume right before you got home! You can totally see through the tshirt!! You are immediately aroused! She leaps onto your arms and you share a long hot kiss... You decide that you might as well stay home! You hand her over the bottle of champagne that you bought before coming home and you ask her to chill it while you change your work clothes.. This is going to be an amazing night!

OK PEOPLE!! The end result is the same... you are staying home for the night. What is the difference? EFFORT AND APPRECIATION!!... This romancing stuff is a DANCE... What are we in search of anyway? Seduction, passion, excitement, appreciation. Both scenes can be any of us. As men and women we need to take note. How often do you try to "romance" your man/woman? Who says that it should be only for anniversaries or holidays?

Girlies, here is a special something for you:

IF YOU DON'T SEDUCE YOUR MAN OFTEN, SOMEONE ELSE WILL... But first, you need to seduce YOURSELF!! Find that special area of your body that you love, and make sure that he is exposed to it frequently... the fact that you love it and share it with him makes you SEXY to him!! Men are not as vicious as we are when it comes to criticizing our body... men love and appreciate a girl who feels sexy regardless of her size.

Men, here is a special something for you:

IF YOU DON'T SEDUCE YOUR WOMAN OFTEN, SOMEONE ELSE WILL... Take a moment, heck, several moments every day, to reach out to her and remind her of how sexy and unique she is. Let her know that no one else makes you feel as she does. Make sure that you catch her when she is acting sexy and secure about herself and let her know that there is nothing sexier than when she "flaunts her stuff for you." See, us girls need to hear that often, especially from the man that we obsess about. Yes, us girls obsess about our love life... give us ammunition to obsess about good stuff. Give us positives to talk to our girlfriends about. The bottle of champagne is definitely a great touch :)

Well, chicos y chicas, I hope that you enjoyed this week's blog. I am giving you some real and tangible ammunition to apply to your courtship dance. DO NOT TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED. No matter WHO you are, we all need praise, appreciation and attention. If you are reading this and thinking, "not me," then you are in denial. Let's not forget that we are all soooooo much more alike than we are different. Please let me know how it all works out for you.

Til next time!

"Become the person you are looking for."

2009-11-09T08:00:00.006-05:00

Here we are starting a new week, hopefully with some new found awareness of ourselves and our surroundings. This relationship business is really not very cut and dry, on the contrary, it is as ever changing as my taste in lip gloss... a new flavor every week...lol

Well today I want to talk to you about becoming the person that you are looking for. Yeah, it takes a minute to sink in. Many of us go around looking for that perfect mate, one who treats us with respect, who satisfies us sexually, one who will do anything for us! Although this seems pretty clear, I see a lot of girls talking about men saying that men are jerks and men talk about women being so difficult and high maintenance. The Real Question is, what are YOU doing to become that person that you desire?

Who are you when no one is looking? What are your thoughts when the music is off? Are you building your temple from within, or are you simply looking outwardly at others and trying to find faults in them or looking for their approval? When you are alone, are you spending any time in understanding what makes you tick? How much time do you take "tunning up" your state of mind? I bet you tune up your car more often that you do yourself!

Are you taking any time to sit quietly in a meditative state to learn about your thoughts and emotions? Did you know that before you feel anything, there are thoughts present that create the emotion in question? I absolutely invite you to sit for 15 minutes a day, close your eyes and focus on slowing your thoughts down. Did you know that the average person has approximately 60,000 thoughts a day!!?? What are those thoughts creating within you? Are most of those thoughts focused outwardly at other people and situations? If they are, then you are probably walking around frustrated and a bit chaotic. You are probably neglecting yourself and allowing other people and situations to dictate how you feel.

Now let's go back to finding the person that you desire. Take a moment and imagine that person.. what they look like, how they sound, who they are in pleasant and unpleasant situations, who you would like them to be if faced with the temptations of the every day hustle.... ok, now that you have that picture in your mind, change the face and the body and place yourself in that vision.... got it?!! Good!!! If you BECOME that person, I guarantee you that it will be soooo much easier to attract a man or a woman who shares your vision and who can appreciate who you are. How can you honestly become frustrated if you can't find the right person if you yourself, are a run-down, dishonest, and unstable mess? Does asking for that which you can not yourself provide, seem like a fair request? Can you give the right person what they deserve if they showed up at your door?

Where most people get it wrong, is where they expect one thing from a partner, but their own house is in complete and utter disarray (literally and figuratively) !! I cant tell you how many times I met a guy who I thought may be the person the I had been looking for, and all I had to do was to go his house to find that he had NO CLUE how to take care of himself! Filthy bathrooms, I mean FILTHY, nasty kitchen, etc etc etc... I am sure that there have been many guys who have found the same thing with girls.

Now people, let's think about this for a minute. IF YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO CARE FOR YOURSELF, HOW CAN YOU EXTEND YOURSELF EVEN MORE TO CARE FOR SOMEONE ELSE?!! Let's start at home!

Start visualizing yourself being the person that you want to attract to you. Imagine yourself being upbeat, stable, caring, attractive, in shape, etc etc... and begin acting as if. Do not worry about others or do not obsess about finding that person. Don't focus on just the outward appearance alone, PLEASE!!! That is easier and somewhat temporary.

Start learning about your innermost thoughts. Know that you can change them if they are making you miserable, or that you can think more of the "good ones." One last tip: Once you have identified your thought patterns, and you find a negative "cluster"of thoughts that are consistently causing you pain... ELIMINATE them. However, do not just eliminate the bad fruits, replace them with positive and nurturing thoughts that can build you back up. Imagine that you are helping your best friend through a situation. Be as caring and take as much time as you would one them.

If you start rebuilding your own temple, you will find that loneliness is not your enemy. You will find yourself loving who you are and being more content. LOVE YOU and take time to spend with YOU! You will start attracting those who share your energy and that "someone" may just appear when you least expect it!

Let me know how it goes!!! Til next time!

A wife or a prostitute?

2009-11-02T09:30:00.009-05:00

Here we are at the beginning of a new week and a new month. As we discussed in the previous blog, relationships are no easy matter, but what is even more interesting is how similar we all truly are! When we are able to step back and look at the big picture, we attain new found wisdom and perspective. We are all in this race to live a financially comfortable life, but most importantly, we are all seeking that one person who we can share it with. Think about it, at the end of the day, if you have all the riches and toys in the world, but no one to share it with, is it really worth it? I believe that this is the reason why prostitution is "the oldest profession in the world." Not that I am condoning it by any means, but basically the purpose for paying for that companion is to have them make us feel like we are the most important and valuable person in the world, while obtaining sexual satisfaction with no boundaries, right??!

Many men have succeeded financially in life and what they now search for is someone to satisfy them without reservation. What we, as women forget, is that the male species is not as complex as we sometimes make them out to be (men, you are free to disagree). They function with purpose: to provide and to have sex. Societal pressures create the expectation to succeed, yet, they are not taught to ask for what they need sexually or emotionally. As women, we see a man that is well put on the outside, successful, "in control" and we assume that they have the whole relationship "business" taken care of. Well, lest not assume that this is the case girls!... sorry guys... in my experience as a therapist, men seem to be afraid to voice to their babes what they need.... they may walk around sexually frustrated because their girl just does not cut it sexually and this is what leads to problems... many problems! So, now that the cat is out of the hat, lets see what we can do about this "little" dichotomy:

I'm going to start with what us girlies can do:

1. Chicas, we need to become more in tuned with our sensuality, better yet, our sexuality. We need to start looking at sex, not as something that we need to do for our man to keep him from straying. We need to, instead, fall in love with ourselves and our bodies. "How do we do that?" you may ask. First, we need to forget everything that you were taught as a young girl about sex. Sooo many of us were made to feel bad and inadequate about our sexuality. Very often we were told that being sexual was wrong and deserved shameful feelings. Perhaps as a child, this is OK , because the last thing we needed to do was attract men sexually. But as time went on and we matured as women, we also needed evolve as sexual beings. Unfortunately, many of us stayed with the old tapes: SEX IS SHAMEFUL. Well, senoritas, I am here to free you of those "old tapes" and to give you permission to free the sexual kitten that has been in hibernation inside of you!. I urge you to stand in front of a mirror RIGHT NOW look at yourself with sensual colored glasses. You are free to love your body, your temple, as a sensual machine filled with pleasure. No matter how small, tall, thin, fat, green, black, you are, you were born to enjoy sex!!! Not for Tim., or Tom or Carlos or Max. NO SENOR, you will enjoy it for YOU and most importantly: FOR YOU... lol, I know I am being repetitious, but you need to hear it more and more and more and more... If you don't know yet what is most pleasurable to you, then you have some work to do! EXPLORE, EXPLORE, EXPLORE. If you don't know what brings you to climax or what arouses you, what makes you think that your man will know???!! That is an unfair expectation. Jesus! Men are not equipped with a sixth sense guiding them to your pleasure spots! YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM WHAT FEELS GOOD. Give the man some guidance please!!

Now boys, here we go, it's your turn:

Do you really want satisfying an explosive sex with your girl? Can you imagine if you went to work every day sexually satisfied? Can you imagine how freakin productive you would be if your mind was not always wondering around looking at this girls ass, or this chic's breasts? I will cover two things today, one is communication of your needs, the other is how your lack of satisfaction affects your babe....

So I have many male friends who are either married and in a relationship and most of them have issues with their wives or girlfriends also being their "whore." They have a preconceived notion that they may lose respect for their girl if they see her in the same light they may see a stripper or a prostitute. Again, this all goes back to our upbringing, some men almost want their partner to be their "mother figure," one that meets their basic needs (food, companionship, a partner to tackle their daily issues with). However, when it comes to sex, many men have difficulty merging their sexual desires with the desire of companionship. Well dudes, I am here to free you of that old belief! Your girl can be your "mom" your business partner, your whore, your nurse, your ________.

IT is OK to build a relationship around a healthy sex life! As a matter of fact, it is ESSENTIAL to do this! You have to let go of the shame of wanting heart throbbing, hair pulling sex. It does not make you a bad person. It does not take away from your "persona." The more you try to run away from this part of you, the less likely that you will have a healthy sexual relationship. Not being open about your sexual desires will bring about dysfunctional relationships. You will stray, you will look for it elsewhere and the guilt will eat you up inside. NOT A HEALTHY WAY TO LIVE, IS IT??!! I give you permission to accept this part of you and to be open about it in your relationship. Of course, don't run out and grab your babe's hair and start smacking her ass without prior notice if you've never done this before! HAA HAA... you can always blame it on me. But this is where communication comes in. You can always tell her that you want her to be your everything (girls love that!).

Many couples think that they can't talk about sex, they just show up and awkwardly have "it." I am sooo much for talking about what we like in bed! As a matter of fact, talking about sex can be your new form of foreplay... OK, at first, you can text her something dirty, like "I can't wait to get home tonight and lick your whole body from head to toe and then ask you what you want before I tell you what I want." Your girl will be anticipating this all day, trust me! IT IS ALL A DANCE, YOU MAKE A MOVE, SHE MAKES A MOVE. If you find resistance, it is important for you to express to her the importance of sexual satisfaction... this brings me to my next point... your sexual dissatisfaction affects us girls TO NO END! It is all inter-connected. We know when you are not happy and we resent you for it. We may not know why you're not satisfied, but we certainly feel it. This is your chance to communicate your needs. If talking at first is too awkward, you can also send an email or a text with some of your thoughts. As women, we are used to talking things to DEATH, lol, and even if it feels a bit awkward at first, it is all important stuff that needs to be discussed.

Walking around with at hard on does not help anyone (or blue balls for that matter lol). You must free yourself of frustrations and you deserve to be heard in the bedroom. Besides being a physical encounter, it can become a deep connection, one that the two of you can share privately. One that will separate you from the rest of the world and create a stronger bond than you ever thought possible.

Well amigos, you've got some barriers to brake down! Get your jackhammer out and start pounding it! (Oopss that sounded dirty lol).

Till next time!

What women want part II

2009-10-28T13:27:00.004-04:00

ROMANCE ME!... WHAT WOMEN WANT PART 2

So it's Wednesday afternoon and you still don't know if you're gonna get some this weekend... you're at a loss for ideas or even prospects... Wow, that sucks!... maybe you're already in a relationship and it seems as though you tend to beg for that sexual relief and connection.

Unfortunately the possibility of a sexual encounter filled with fireworks is a bit "last year." Well my friends, you have come to the right place! As a relationship therapist and someone who enjoys a healthy and satisfying sexual life, I am here to help you achieve the most sexual fulfilling romance you have ever experienced.

READY??? HERE WE GO:
1.) Sex for women is not as one-dimensional as it is for men. By this I mean, a guy may have a sexual thought and immediately be ready to unleash his manhood... in other words, you think of sex and you can have it at the drop of a hat (guys, feel free to disagree). For a girl is a bit more complicated than that. For the most part, if we pick you as a sexual partner, we are also experiencing feelings of attachment, trust, and perhaps infactuation. If we engage in a sexual dance with you, we need to feel as though we are the only ones that you are interested in. Unfortunately for you guys, telling me that I am sexy 5 minutes before you are ready to have sex, but 1 hour after you stared at some chicks ass while at the restaurant is just not gonna cut it for us!
So what can you do if it is Wednesday afternoon and you're already thinking of weekend booty? Let's start by calling your girl (or prospect) on the way to work and letting her know how amazingly sexy she looked while she slept... ok, guys, please don't do it if you are not sincere, but instead, start looking for those moments when you can truly appreciate your girl's beauty. Find that one thing that turns you on about her and focus on it with consistency. This way, when you compliment her it is sincere. You will start finding yourself more and more turned on by your girl and less focused on the things that you dislike. This is something that you should practice daily!!!!>> Anyway, back to Wednesday ;)... Text her thoroughout the day and give her the attention that she deserves. Pick up a bottle of wine on your way home (find out what type of wine or other alcohol she likes).

Ok, I am NOT condoning alcoholism, lol, but to her, the fact that you though of her on your way home will allow her to feel loved and appreciated!...and a little alcohol may help you and her ease the stress of the day. If you are having dinner together and she is cooking, take 20 minutes and keep her company. Ask her about her day while she cooks. Don't run in front of the TV and tune her out as soon as she gets home. TRUST ME WHEN I TELL YOU: while she is in the kitchen and your ass is in front of the TV, she will be thinking about how hard she works and how unappreciative you are by escaping to television world!!.. This is a small sacrifice to make... once you chat with her for several minutes and give her a kiss in the kitchen (maybe grab her ass on your way out lol) she will feel more inspired to please you later! So what if you are the one that cooks or you order out? Same concept: MAKE THE TIME TO RECONNECT AFTER YOUR LONG DAY!!!

2).For us SEX begins with an emotional connection. The knowledge that we are appreciated as women and companions! The assurity that you think of us during your day away from us and that no matter who is around you, your ultimate thought to seduce us into the bedroom. HEY, IF YOU ARE THINKING THAT THIS IS TOO MUCH WORK, THEN I BET YOU ARE NOT GETTIN ENOUGH! Again, is mind blowing sex worth it to you? OFTEN??? Then keep reading...
So far we have appreciation, booty grabbing and alcohol. We're on our way!. If you do this you might get it that night, or not if she is carrying a bit of resentment from past hurts... See, we tend to carry emotional hurts with us a little too often and just cause you're doing these things, doesn't mean that you're home free. This is where the complexity of women comes in. Unfortunately many women use sex as a tool to punsish you guys for things that you've done tohat were hurtful. it sucks, but IT IS WHAT IT IS! Cant't change it, so might as understand the dynamic.
As you begin practicing these "romancing moves," in your mind you are earning "brownie points", but in our minds, you are still in the red... you still owe us some points from the past. Be patient and get good at romancing her>> THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT POINT! Make sure that as you start practicing these notions, you understand that it is a way of life and not a transaction with the hope of gaining immediate gratification. As you begin to look at her as a sensual woman and focus on the good aspects of her physical and emotional being, your relationship will begin to turn in to a reciprocal sexual dance.

After you have shown appreciation to her daily and often, and the moment is right, you will see her transform into a more loving and appreciative person herself. At first she may ask what's up with "Mr. Casanova." But with time, she will understand that you are there for her and she will start focusing on the positives as well. Now, she will start trusting your intentions more readily and then you will be ready to let her know what turns YOU on! At that point you will feel as though you have the right to ask for the things that you want. So what do you want as a man?? Create your own vision of what you need to stay satisfied as a sexual being... Is it a lap dance? Is it a massage? What is it??? If it is a lap dance, plan before and make sure that the music is right. Perhaps pick up a cigar on the way home that night. No, not for you but for HER! The lighting is also crucial. Let her take care of that cause she needs to feel sexy and comfortable. Part of the preparation may be stopping at the HUSTLER store and picking up a little outfit... buy it for her and have her dance in it for you! IT IS ALL ABOUT MUTUAL SEDUCTION! For us the actual orgasm is important but equally important is foreplay. For many girls dancing for their man is a turn on in itself and by the time the actual act of sex is performed they are already there!

So here is a summary of today's lesson:
Begin noticing and commenting on her beauty. Provide her with your best listening skills while you are together. Dont't forget that instead of waiting for the right person to come along, you need to BE that person. Understand that sex for women is a truly multifaceted phenomenon that begins with respect, understanding and appreciation. You will see that your relationship will begin to flourish into a sensual companionship.

YOU BETTER GET TO WORK!!

Are you different?

2009-10-27T11:12:00.003-04:00

Here is some food for thought:

ARE YOU THE PERSON WHO JOINS IN WHEN OTHERS ARE TALKING NEGATIVELY ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE?

If yo don't join in, that makes you different.

ARE YOU SOMEONE WHO BEFORE TAKING THE FIRST STEP TOWARD FULFILLING A DREAM, BEGINS TO FIND REASONS WHY IT WOULD NEVER WORK?